States of Mind

The idea of this blog originally was to try and capture some of the experience of undertaking part-time doctoral study. I knew it would be a long and arduous journey and that there would be ups and downs. I actually wasn't prepared for how big those ups and downs have been so far, but I have also noticed that I seem to oscillate between different 'states' of feeling as I work.

In no particular order, they are:

• Feeling overwhelmed by the absolute enormity of the substantive topic. Each reading I undertake generates a dozen more so that the literature I want to read grows exponentially. I can never 'know' enough.
• Feeling self-doubt, which turns into a kind of paralysis at the thought that I am contributing nothing at all. That my little 'project' (the word I tend to opt for in my head when I'm in this particular state) is tiny and pointless.
• Feeling frustrated, because I wish I'd done things differently. A feeling of, if only I'd known 'then' what I know now. But of course, that is the point of doing this, precisely because I didn't 'know then'. 
• Feeling 'mixed up', unable to clearly separates elements of the substantive topic in my mind; confusing ideas with each other continuously. This tends to be in relation particularly to big areas like reading for pleasure versus reading for study, or different aspects of reading comprehension. They are too big to mix up, but I do. Regularly.
• Feeling spurred on by tiny little moments of epiphany, often where I wake up in the morning and have to very quickly make some notes about a thought or an idea that I have had. (Presumably at a sub-conscious level, whilst sleeping.)

During the first two, I try to overcome them by maintaining some kind of routine, by plodding on with a straightforward task. Is there any such thing? Reading and making notes from a single article, or a limited target: 300 words, say. The third one is the most avenue because whilst I can acknowledge this, I can't do anything more about it in relation to the data already collected. The final one is best, that goes without saying; because then I become really ignited by the whole thing. Sometimes it morphs into the second one though, where I write down that exciting thought and then realise that it, too, is a nothing, or is just 'stating the bleedin' obvious'.

This summer, though, I have invested quite a lot of time in creating my room of one's own. Time which I perhaps should have spent on the research itself. My hands have often been paint-splattered rather than ink-splattered. However, it is now nearing completion, awaiting electricity on Tuesday and some internal painting.

I have named what my long-suffering husband calls 'the PhD hut' Little Acorns. So, look out academic world...I'm sure that this was the only thing holding me back.